I am at work and was taking a break and came online to read the blog. I came to Keith's post about Abuse, recovery, lovingkindness and peace. I had to stop for a moment. Take a breath. I started to read the post. I am very present....can feel my heart open....the body area I feel most emotions is my chest. I am always touched deeply when people share their experiences...particularly of abuse. My own history is rich with it. When I saw the phrase "borderline personality disorder" I physically stopped breathing. Even re-read those sentences a few times. I was very aware of how tight my chest was. My breathing a little laboured. I took a moment and just breathed...in....out.....what am I feeling. Sadness....sadness. My eyes are tearing up. I grew up in a home with a mother with borderline personality disorder. Suffered a lot of abuse....well into being an adult....until I finally shut down. Unwilling to feel anything....just wanting the pain to stop. Wishing I were dead....that then it would be over. Abuse continuing as an adult.....a domestically violent relationship....and so on. I never thought I could be with the pain....the hurt. Right at this moment....I can feel it.....the sadness....the grief...in my chest. But it is different. It is just sadness......sit with it.....hold it with an open heart...and let it go. I started to see a therapist.....who I will carry with me in my heart always. She also introduced me to meditation. I am grateful for her help with my journey. Through meditation I have been able to sit with the pain. I have sat and let out the tears....been able to sit with the grief. When it became too much....I could let my attention be elsewhere. Meditation has enabled me to see the story.....brought me more into the present....right here....right now....not living...dwelling in the past. That was a huge thing for me. I have been able to hold my own self in lovingkindess...although that is a work in progress! The most wonderful thing for me.....is that.....through meditation...opening my own heart...to me.....I have been able to open my heart to my mother.....let go of the anger....see her suffering....and hold her in my heart with compassion. It is not perfect...and is not always easy.....but I can do it. And I am grateful. I never thought I could hold her without anger. And I am grateful.
It is a work in progress. Each step, each breath. I am going to take a moment and just sit.
Comments
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Wow! Thank you so much for reading my post and sharing your experience. I can only imagine how hard life was growing up with a Borderline mom. I am so proud of you for seeing that all this wasn't your fault or doing. Sometimes we get lost in the madness and start to think that it's our fault and that we don't deserve love or happiness. But in reality we do because we are good hearted and loving people. The most important thing I learned is that you need to surround yourself with healthy, loving, compassionate, thoughtful, supportive, & positive people (Therapist, friends, Sanga or Spiritual community).
Through meditation, kirtan, and yoga the heart starts to open up again. These are the tools of self realization. These tools help you clean that dirty mirror, so you can see your true self. We have these impressions in our minds and scars in our hearts from the bad experiences that we had to go through in life. BUT if you are aware, conscious, and compassionate of those experiences you can heal. You can give yourself all the love and kindness that you deserve to deal with it and heal. This healing process allows you to, then be more compassion and in turn give love away unconditionally.
Let the love shine through. Be that beacon to others. We never know who needs that light shining on them. God Bless, Om Shanti
P.S. I remember looking for books on BPD and saw this one "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson (Paperback - Jul 1, 2002)" I bought the books "Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You Don't leave me".
Thanks.......
Thanks for your words of support.....and identifying yourself...*L* I have read some Understanding the Borderline Mother and also Surviving a Borderline Parent....that was tough slogging....took me a few months to get thru the first one. It was like reading about my life....brought up a lot of stuff.....so I would give myself space. They were helpful to understand my own experience and to understand her. Anyway...I am not a good writer.....I don't know how to put into words a warm...three breath hug....but that is what I send to you...*S*
I want to thank you,along
I want to thank you,along with Keith, for writing so openly. My teacher Dipa Ma was my first important model of someone who had suffered terribly in life, and who emerged with enormous compassion for all, and not defined by that suffering. And of course my own early life hadn't been easy, was laced with secrets, and made lovingkindness for myself and others quite difficult. And there she was, an incredible example of facing her pain and grief, and coming through that with the most incredible power of kindness towards all. it's because of her that I became a teacher.
Lovingkindness.....
Lovingkindness is difficult for myself although I have made inroads with difficult people. As I continue to meditate I become more aware and try to do my best....with loving me. I have met lots of inspiring people...my own sangha here....people you just meet by chance for a few minutes...and certainly the community here. The posts are pretty wonderful. Thank you.....a bow and a hug to you.
Thank you for being so open
Thank you for being so open and real about your experiences and past. Love you for everything that you have done and continue to do.
Buddhism was the first vehicle that I had in my life to help bring me into the light. =)
The 2 Anonymous post are from
The 2 Anonymous post are from me,lol.. I didn't realize that I had to put my name in
Keith V