I am at work and was taking a break and came online to read the blog. I came to Keith's post about Abuse, recovery, lovingkindness and peace. I had to stop for a moment. Take a breath. I started to read the post. I am very present....can feel my heart open....the body area I feel most emotions is my chest. I am always touched deeply when people share their experiences...particularly of abuse. My own history is rich with it. When I saw the phrase "borderline personality disorder" I physically stopped breathing. Even re-read those sentences a few times. I was very aware of how tight my chest was. My breathing a little laboured. I took a moment and just breathed...in....out.....what am I feeling. Sadness....sadness. My eyes are tearing up. I grew up in a home with a mother with borderline personality disorder. Suffered a lot of abuse....well into being an adult....until I finally shut down. Unwilling to feel anything....just wanting the pain to stop. Wishing I were dead....that then it would be over. Abuse continuing as an adult.....a domestically violent relationship....and so on. I never thought I could be with the pain....the hurt. Right at this moment....I can feel it.....the sadness....the grief...in my chest. But it is different. It is just sadness......sit with it.....hold it with an open heart...and let it go. I started to see a therapist.....who I will carry with me in my heart always. She also introduced me to meditation. I am grateful for her help with my journey. Through meditation I have been able to sit with the pain. I have sat and let out the tears....been able to sit with the grief. When it became too much....I could let my attention be elsewhere. Meditation has enabled me to see the story.....brought me more into the present....right here....right now....not living...dwelling in the past. That was a huge thing for me. I have been able to hold my own self in lovingkindess...although that is a work in progress! The most wonderful thing for me.....is that.....through meditation...opening my own heart...to me.....I have been able to open my heart to my mother.....let go of the anger....see her suffering....and hold her in my heart with compassion. It is not perfect...and is not always easy.....but I can do it. And I am grateful. I never thought I could hold her without anger. And I am grateful.
It is a work in progress. Each step, each breath. I am going to take a moment and just sit.