You know I had such a great mindfulness day on Sunday.....felt really connected....lovely total relaxation meditation.   Then things went south...I didn't really catch how far south until well into Monday.  I had a conversation after the day of mindfulness and my mother came up.  She is a very difficult person for me.....but in working with and talking about my relationship with her....I have been able to be with her.....and care....have compassion for her....see her suffering....and it has truly opened my heart to her.   So I am swimming along....man....this is great....I never dreamed in a million years I could work thru that anger.   Then bam.....in a conversation with a suggestion that she had given me something positive.....walls come screaming up....there is no way that I am in any way like that woman.  I didn't even see really my reaction until Monday because I buried it.  My day yesterday....in which some really great things happened....was not great.  I got lost....in a very familiar storyline....hook line and sinker...reel me in......I am worthless.....if people only really knew me...they would know I am not a good person....I am a fraud.  And man I suffered.  I was miserable and upset.....I cannot do anything right.   Wow....look at that little mind go.... I can certainly spin a yarn.  The really great thing is.....I wasn't there long....I saw the story....that it is a story....a familiar one.....and I am not the story.

I recently read a chapter in a book about freeing ourselves from old habits and fears......"Rejoicing in Things As They Are".  It talks about how when we begin to see we get hooked....and swept away in old habits and fears...we have a tendency to use it to feel badly about ourselves etc......when instead we could realize how remarkable it is that we have the capacity to see ourselves honestly.  If we catch it, even for a moment, briefly...while we were caught....this is a reason to rejoice....and even if we didn't....in the moment....when we do....rejoice in the ability to acknowledge that....and go forward with compassion for ourselves.....and others.

I am so lucky.....and so grateful.  I am grateful to my mother....who helps me to open my heart.